Tag Archives: Pilot

Control Tower repartee …

Shared by Bear Tales follower Leslie


Exchanges between pilots and control towers

Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”

A Cessna inbound at the reporting point over ManlyBeach.
Tower (Female voice): “Cessna WYXD, congestion at airport approach. I’m going to have to hold you over the Manly area.”
Cessna WYXD: “I love it when you talk dirty to me.”

Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”
TWA 2341: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?”
Tower:”Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f…ing bored!”
Ground Traffic Control:”Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”

O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
United 329:”Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this…I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was your last known position?”
Student: “When I was number one for takeoff.”

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English):”If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English):”I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany .. Why must I speak English?”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):”Because you lost the bloody war!”

Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124..7”
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”
Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. We’ve already notified our caterers.”

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough parts for another one.”

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: ” Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground:”Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark and I didn’t land.”

While taxiing at London ‘s Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727..
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!”
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you when I tell you and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”
“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”


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MAYDAY!!! …

Shared by Bear Tales follower Deena.

Flying school

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft from Andy’s Flying School.

A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the controllers.

The terrified student riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled: “Mayday, Mayday!!…. MY pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph.”

The controller in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. “Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, just remain calm!!”.

He began his series of questions:

Tower: “How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??”

Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter in front of me.”

Tower: “Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?”

Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed indicator in front of me.”

Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you’re flying upside down?”

Aircraft: “The SHIT in my pants is running out of my shirt collar!”

That’s crazy

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Do I feel lucky today? …

Shared by Bear Tales follower Hillary.

You are a South African bush pilot working for Blue Sky Aviation.

You fly in some critical medical supplies, enjoy a quick lunch at the hospital.

It’s a stifling 100 degrees in the shade and you’re eager to get back aloft to the cooler upper atmosphere.

On the way back to your aircraft, you discover that the only bit of shade within 1 mile has become very popular.

You start estimating the distance to the aircraft door and wonder…

‘Do I feel lucky today?’

Shade

That's crazy

That’s crazy

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Who gets the parachute …

Samolet-13

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.

Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes.

“There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us,” he announced.

“Since I’m the pilot, I get one!”

After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

“I’m the world’s greatest athlete,” proclaimed Michael Jordon. “This world needs great athletes, so I must live.”

Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.

“I’m the smartest business man in the world,” bragged Bill Gates. “The world needs smart men, so I must also live!”

Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

At this point, the Pope began to speak. “I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane.”

Pizza delivery man says “You don’t have to stay in the plane! The world’s smartest business man jumped out of the plane with my backpack.”

mice-parachute

That's crazy

That’s crazy

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These two should buy a lottery ticket …

Contributed by Bear Tales follower Bob …

This did not make the press here in Australia or at least I didn’t see it. Did a Google search and appears to have happened on Saturday 1 March 2014. Neither the pilot nor the skydiver were seriously injured when they hit the ground, according a local Sheriff’s Office. Both men were taken to a hospital. The skydiver was treated and released and the pilot was being held for observation overnight.

View the gallery by clicking the first image (they are in sequence) it really is incredible …

I did a Gooogle search and this is the source I think Skydiver, pilot survive airborne collision.

 

OMG

That's crazy

That’s crazy

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The faithful fiddle …

 

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A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a farmer’s field.

The farmer took the pilot back to the farmhouse, where the pilot noticed the farmer had a golden fiddle hanging above the fireplace.

 

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The two men were standing there talking when the farmer’s wife came down the steps.

The pilot couldn’t believe how beautiful she was.

“How can you trust her to be here by herself all day, while you go out and work the fields?”

“I trust my wife,” the farmer said. “She’s never been unfaithful.”

“I’ll make you a little bet. If I take your wife upstairs, she’ll be unfaithful. If not, you can have my plane. But, if she is, I get your fiddle.”

“It’s a deal.”

So, the pilot and the farmer’s wife go upstairs. About a half hour passes, and the farmer picks up the fiddle and starts playing it.

“Be true to me, Be true to me, Be true for just one hour. Be true to me, Be true to me, And his airplane will be ours.”

Another fifteen minutes pass, and he sees his wife coming down the stairs.

He asks her if she stayed true to him.

She walked over, picked up the fiddle, started playing it.

“He kissed me on the lips, he kissed me on the breasts, he kissed me in the middle, he kissed a spot that you forgot, and you lost your f**king fiddle.”

 

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That's crazy

That’s crazy

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