Tag Archives: mortician

A very smart blonde mortician …

Shared by Bear Tales follower Reg.


A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?’

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

‘There’s no charge,’ she says.

‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!’ she says.

‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

So I just switched the heads.’

mort

Bet you didn’t see that coming LOL 🙂

We are laughing

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The mortician …

Cartoon_Mortician_Feb2007

 

A mortician was working late one night.

It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of Slim who was about to be cremated he made an amazing discovery.

Slim had the longest private part he had ever seen!

“I’m sorry Slim” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.”

With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man’s member.

He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed it to was his wife. “I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said, and opened up his briefcase.

“Oh my God!” she screamed. “Slim is dead!”

 

We are laughing

We are laughing

Bear is laughing

Bear is laughing

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Man dies in horrible fire …

 

On fire

 

A man died in a horrible house fire.

The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification.

That task fell to George’s two friends, Joe and Al.

Joe: “He’s burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over.” Joe looked at the dead man’s buttocks and said, “Nope, that ain’t George.”

Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al.

Al: “Wow, he’s burnt to a crisp. Roll him over.” Again, “Nope, that ain’t George.”

Mortician: “How can you tell?”

Al: “George had two assholes.”

Mortician: “What? How could he have two assholes?”

Al: “Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you’d hear people say, “Here comes George with those two assholes!”

 

I know you had a laugh

I know you had a laugh

Bear is laughing

Bear is laughing

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The blonde mortician …

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A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly …

She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?’

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

‘There’s no charge,’ she says.

‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!’ she says.

‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

So I just switched the heads.’

(Bet you didn’t see that coming lol)

.

.

Bear is laughing

Bear is laughing

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