Tag Archives: cars

Something to offend everyone …

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Now on sale at IKEA – beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove.

A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it’s definitely race related.

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night – to be fair the audience did try to warn him.

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)

Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking “What products do I use for grooming?” She was a bit taken aback when I replied, “Facebook”.

Just booked a table for Valentine’s Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though – she’s crap at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he’s mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I’ve called him Bradford.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It’s Spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.

I’ve just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweat shops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bastards deserved it!

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.

 

Bet you laughed

Bet you laughed

Source: Email chain.

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Passenger seat driver …

Belt up
Belt up

Belt up

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, ‘ I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.’

The driver says, ‘Officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: ‘Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?’

The wife smiles demurely and says, ! ‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.’

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, ‘Woman, why can’t you keep your mouth shut?’

The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic 75 dollar fine.’

The driver says, ‘Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my licence out of my back pocket.’

The wife says, ‘Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T You just shut your flaming mouth up ??’

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?’

(I love this part…. )

‘Only when he’s pissed.’

 

Bet you laughed

Bet you laughed

Source: Email chain.

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The parking ticket …

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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a Parking Inspector writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, ’Come on, how about giving a senior citizen a break?’
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an a–hole .
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Barb called him a s–t head.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We weren’t too concerned about the vehicle’s owner because of the sticker on the back window ”I support the Labor Party”.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired.
It’s important at our age.

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Bet you laughed

Source: Email chain.

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60 years of Corvette …

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I had to share this for all my car enthusiast friends …

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Visit gizmag post 60 years of Corvette for the complete article and photo gallery.

Hope you enjoyed.

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Woman Runs Over Mattress …

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I received this in an email and had to share it …

“A Blonde Ran Over A Mattress On The
Highway And Decided Not To Worry And
Kept Driving.
The Ensuing Jumble Finally Whipped
Around Enough to Tear A Hole In The
Fuel Tank.
The Subsequent Lack Of Fuel Is What
Finally Brought Her Vehicle To It’s Knee’s.
She Had Still Managed To Drive 30 More
Miles With A 60 Pound Tangle of Stuff
Wrapped Around Her Driveshaft.
She Had It Towed To Her Dealership And
Complained That The Vehicle Had A
“Sort Of Shimmy” When She Was Driving
At High Speeds.
Below Are The Photo’s Of What They
Found At Her Dealership.
The Last Photo Is By Far The Best.
“Sort Of A Shimmy” . . . I’ll Bet It Did!”

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Bet you laughed

Bet you laughed

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Lady Driver …

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A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding …

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma’am, I’m afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don’t have one.

Traffic Cop: Don’t have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can’t do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

Don’t Mess With Mature Ladies
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Bet you laughed.

Source: Email chain.

Aston Martin – Rapide S …

Just incredible …

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Published on 22 Jan 2013
Aston Martin unveils the most powerful and most luxurious four-door car in its history – Rapide S.

Powered by the all new AM11 engine, Rapide S reaches 558PS and achieves a 0 – 62 sprint time of just 4.9secs. With an all-new assertive design including an imposing full-face grille, Rapide S also encompasses bespoke interior materials and finishes allowing four adults to travel in complete comfort.

Source: Car Buzz

Old cars …

1948 Cadillac Series 62 Saoutchik

I like collecting pictures of wonderful old cars. I pin them to my board Special Cars on Pinterest. I guess it is a hope that one day I will find a magic one and restore it for myself to drive. Please have a look at the pictures I have collected and enjoy.

Here is a sample …

Phantom Corsair 1938 http://www.autogaleria.hu - 1931 Dusenberg J395 Convertible 1932 Auburn 12-160A Speedster 1932 Bucciali TAV-12 1933 Chrysler Custom Imperial Five-Passenger Phaeton 1933 Stutz Dv-32 Weymann Super Bearcat-5 1934 Packard 1934 Voison C15 Roadster Saliot 1937 Packard Twelve Convertible Victoria 1941 Cadillac model 62. 2-door coupe V-8 1947 Talbot-Lago 1948 Cadillac Series 62 Saoutchik 1949 Lincoln Cosmopolitan Convertible

Hope you enjoyed. Again here is the link to 3000 pictures.

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The Morgan Motor Company …

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This was sent to me in an email and I thought it would be interesting to those car buffs who follow this site.

This is the email …

“The Morgan Motor Company located in Britain doesn’t change in a changing world.  Not only is it still independent, but it also makes each car by hand.

A  base model is about $44,000, with some cars costing up to $300,000.

People wait for over a year to get their exclusive hand-built cars with the shell made out of metal and much of the vehicle made out of wood.

Working on the wood interior, workers use metal shears to individually shape a hood because each car has to be different.

Every year Morgan produces about 600 cars.

The company will celebrate its 100th anniversary in  2011.

It  has a long and interesting history, and is still run by the same family: the  Morgans.   Founded by Henry Frederick Stanley Morgan known as  “HFS”, it was then run by his son Peter, and is now run by Charles, the son of Peter  Morgan.
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There  are craftsmen……and then there are Craftsmen  !!”

Wikipedia introduces Morgan as …

“The Morgan Motor Company is a British motor car manufacturer. The company was founded in 1910 by Henry Frederick Stanley Morgan, generally known as “HFS” and was run by him until he died at age 77 in 1959. Peter Morgan, son of H.F.S., ran the company until a few years before his death in 2003. The company is currently headed by Charles Morgan, son of Peter Morgan.

Morgan is based in Malvern Link, an area of Malvern, Worcestershire and employs 163 people. Morgan produced 640 cars in 2007. All the cars are assembled by hand. The waiting list for a car is approximately one to two years, although it has been as high as ten years in the past.

The visitor centre and museum feature a guided tour of the factory and exhibits about the company’s history from Edwardian times until the present day, developments in automobile technology, and a display of automobiles.”

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Go to this link for the Morgan Motor Company website.

Hope you enjoyed and if you like special cars go to my Pinterest board for thousands of pictures.

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