New wine for seniors …

Contributed by Bear Tales follower Hillary.

A GLASS OF WINE BEFORE TURNING IN …

 

Wine

 

A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted nights sleep.

NEW Wine for Seniors I kid you not …

Clare Valley vintners in South Australia, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as PINO MORE!

 

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I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!

 

Grapes

 

I just could not help it!

 

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Billy Connolly’s chain letter …

Just received this gem in my inbox. I have to warn everyone though, the following is a piece of comic genius about “chain letters” from Billy Connolly which means, of course, it contains some pretty graphic language. Of course that is his trade mark to shock but there is a lot of truth in this!

 

a-chain-letter-by-billy-connolly

 

Billy Connolly’s chain letter…..

Hello, my name is William and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion f*cking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor six year old girl in Kentucky with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.

And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send “his” email, $1000?

How stupid are we?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I’ll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!

What a bunch of bullsh*t.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour.

F*ck ‘em.

If you’re going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I’ve seen all the “send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being” forwards about 90 times.

I don’t f*cking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you’re actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it’s our own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that’s threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.

If it’s funny, send it on.

Don’t piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he’ll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

P.S: Send me 15 bucks and then f*ck off.

 

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That’s crazy

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PPS: You will get more sex if you send Bear a hundred bucks!

The cat lady’s three wishes …

cat lady

 

A woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company.

Amongst the boxes and old papers she found a little lamp.

She picked it up and wiped it off with her apron, when “POOF” out popped Genie.

 

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“I will grant you three wishes” proclaimed the Genie.

The woman thought for a moment and said “I wish I was the most beautiful 20 year old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around.”

The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared, the Genie was gone and so was the lamp.

The woman looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful. She was surrounded with scads of money in large bills. She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her. She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash.

Then she turned to look where her adoring cat once stood.

There in the feline’s place stood a tall, dark, handsome man with chiseled features, a washboard stomach, broad shoulders, and a soccer-players-tush.

She walked over to him, he put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly, “Now, aren’t you sorry that you had me neutered?”

 

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Today’s jokes 20 July 2014 …

Peeping

Funny jokes being shared around today we all need to laugh some more …

 

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Hope at least one gave you a laugh.

 

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Three virgin daughters …

Three daughters

 

The mother had three virgin daughters.

All three got married almost at the same time and went on a honeymoon.

The mother was very worried about the beginning of their sexual life, and asked them to send her at least a few words how it’s going.

The first one sent a text from Hawaii, just after two days after the wedding.

On top of it there was just one word: “Nescafe”.

Her mother ran into the kitchen, find a coffee “Nescafe” and read on the label: “Blessing” until the last drop”.

Mother blushed, but was satisfied with her daughter’s happiness.

The second daughter sent a text from Jamaica a few days later, where she read “Benson n Hedges” cigars.

She immediately went to her husband’s study, where she found his “Benson Hedges” and read “Extra Long cigars. King Size”.

She again shyly blushed, but was happy for her daughter.

The third daughter went off for the honeymoon to the Caribbean.

Mother was waiting for the week – nothing.

Week later – nothing again.

Only a month later finally she strangely got a postcard, where with the trembling hand was written “Virgin Airlines”.

Mother quickly found a journal and began to look for what she was afraid about, and then she found Virgin Airlines advertisement and read: “Three times a day, seven days a week, at all connections!”

 

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Be careful what you wish for …

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A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle.

He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.

The genie says “Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.”

The man says “Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.”

Phoof!

There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues, “Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.”

Phoof!

There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.

He continues, “Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.”

Phoof!

There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

 

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